Thread: Post your jokes here (keep em clean)

sandrab

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "because I !@#$%^ didn't"

CURREY_NZ

Poking fun at the armed forces this week ( hope you're all broadminded....) Enjoy, Glen

Pentagon Incentive
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles."

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "Back in Vietnam!"

*************

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front Sir."
"Good man," said the Major.

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem Soldier?"
"Chronic piles Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front Sir."
"Good man," barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two Sir!"

****************

Lovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car around," he ordered.

The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.

"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."

"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."

***********

You’re in the Army now….but definitely not the NZ Army…

Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge.

A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities."

The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit.
"My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"

******************

Murphy's Laws Of Combat
- If the enemy is in range, so are you.

- Incoming fire has the right of way.

- Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

- There is always a way.

- The easy way is always mined.

- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

- Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them.

- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

- If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

- The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

- A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

- If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

- Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

- Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

- If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

- When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

- Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

***********

Build a Road the Army Way
One of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things up.

His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road. He quelled my protestations with a stern, “Lieutenant, I’m in charge.”

He ordered a bulldozer into the paddy, but the massive monster sank in the muck. Undaunted, the major ordered another dozer to help the first one out. It, too, was soon stuck.
After a long silence, the major got into his jeep. His departing words were, “Lieutenant, you're in charge.”

kiwi

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded
to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a really good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

Flood

Kiwi, that was brilliant! Very funny, lol.

Sally

Light

Love it!!

pejay

loved it too - how about_____

why don't polar bears eat penguins???
because they can't take off the wrappers I know it is a bit cheesey!!

Chris

Good one Kiwi

ken.lucas.

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old Hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having Seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'



Ken.

Val

CURREY_NZ

The school holidays have just ended here in NZ, so this week it’s a Children Theme….. Enjoy, Glen

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech.
At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa speech."
If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

***********************

Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator.
It listed some goals my dad had set for himself:
- Help wife more;
- lose weight;
- be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

***************

Anniversary Gift
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

**********

Little Johnny and Susie Smith are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" So without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month. That should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, I have to admit, we've been lucky so far."

************************

Would you believe it? (Hmmmmm maybe not)

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!"

************

Guys Shopping
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.

As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;

"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

**********

CTC (I think most of us can relate to this - G)

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

********************