Thread: Post your jokes here (keep em clean)

maxdemonkey · 23-06-2006, 08:24 AM

got me chuckling

Suey · 25-06-2006, 08:10 PM

Feel free to print this out for your own personal use!

(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)

NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________

2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: ________________________________________________

7. Number of years parents married: ___________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATTOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you? __________________________________________________ _______

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? __________________________________________________ _______

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? __________________________________________________ _______

12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________

14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):

A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________

C. A women's place is in the __________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________

E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).

Sueyxx

Starlight · 26-06-2006, 01:20 AM

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything ?"
" Anything."
His voice softens. " Anything ?"
" Anything ."

His voice turns to a whisper
"Would you ... STUDY ?"

Suey · 26-06-2006, 05:40 AM

Computer Help Desk

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

******
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still on my desk...
Sorry...

******

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

******

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!

******

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,
but the computer still says it can't find it...

******

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you.

******

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

******

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

******

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in
Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

******

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

******

Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

******

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

*******

And then there is my personal favorite!!

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around
it?

Sueyxx

nanna · 26-06-2006, 12:09 PM

Very Good, lol, agree with you on the last one Suey

Shan · 27-06-2006, 11:44 AM

Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note
on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran
into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I
have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - £85.26

Hot Breakfast - £4.20

Red Rose bud -£3.00

Two Aspirins -£0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

petal · 27-06-2006, 04:43 PM

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags,
and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: £20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

petal · 29-06-2006, 12:05 PM

Green Side Up

A painting contractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She sad
she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to
the window opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP." They
walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft
yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it
and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP." The woman was curious but
didn't say anything. They walked into the third room and she said
she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and
went to the window and opened it, he yelled "GREEN SIDE UP."
Finally the woman asked, "why do you keep yelling that out the
window?" "I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a crew of blondes
laying turf across the street

petal · 30-06-2006, 04:20 PM

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again."
John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!"
Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.
About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?"
"No," replies John.
So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.
A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"
"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"

nanna · 03-07-2006, 12:24 AM

pmsl Mary, good one.

23-06-2006, 08:24 AM	#41 (permalink)
maxdemonkey AA SUPPORTER Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Hampshire Posts: 3,717 Total Awards: 3	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) got me chuckling
	Max

25-06-2006, 08:10 PM	#42 (permalink)
Suey AA SUPPORTER Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 893 Total Awards: 2	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Feel free to print this out for your own personal use! (REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME) NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. 1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________ 2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______ 3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________ 4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________ 5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______ 6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: ________________________________________________ 7. Number of years parents married: ___________ 8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATTOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY) 9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you? __________________________________________________ _______ 10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? __________________________________________________ _______ 11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? __________________________________________________ _______ 12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week 13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________ 14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise): A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________ B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________ C. A women's place is in the __________________ D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________ E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.) 15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________ 16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS. _____________________ Signature (That means sign your name) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now). Sueyxx
	*You Don't have to be mad to know me, But it helps.*

26-06-2006, 01:20 AM	#43 (permalink)
Starlight Ancestry Aid Manager Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: South Essex Posts: 16,355 Total Awards: 8	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything ?" " Anything." His voice softens. " Anything ?" " Anything ." His voice turns to a whisper "Would you ... STUDY ?"
	Starlight Ancestry Aid Manager Hampshire:- Barks, Bartholomew, Carpenter, Cousens, Cousins, Dumper, Gallagher, Goodchild, Glasspool, Hoskins, Light, Mason, Monday, Mundy, Pearce, Pitt, Shepherd, Spreadbury, Staniford, Terrill, Thornton, Warne, Webb, Woodford & many more. Top Tip: Use the forum search engine

26-06-2006, 05:40 AM	#44 (permalink)
Suey AA SUPPORTER Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 893 Total Awards: 2	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Computer Help Desk Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: A white one... **** Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ." Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still on my desk... Sorry... ** Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? ** Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates! ** Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it... ** Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you. ** Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. ** Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: Okay. Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes. Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work! ** Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? ** A customer couldn't get on the Internet: Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. ** Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. ** Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! ***** And then there is my personal favorite!! Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? Sueyxx
	*You Don't have to be mad to know me, But it helps.*

26-06-2006, 12:09 PM	#45 (permalink)
nanna Ancestry Aid Staff Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Liverpool, Merseyside.U.K Posts: 11,524 Total Awards: 3	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Very Good, lol, agree with you on the last one Suey
	Nanna Ancestry Aid Moderator The UK's No 1 For Genealogy & Family History. Researching Crowe,Radcliffe,Sayle,Quarrie,Comaish,Lee (Isle-of-Man,Liverpool & Birkenhead) Swift (Liverpool & Lancashire) Peters (Anglesey,Liverpool & Widnes) McCabe,Williams (Liverpool) Thomas (Anglesey)

27-06-2006, 11:44 AM	#46 (permalink)
Shan Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Hampshire Posts: 1,747 Total Awards: 1	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) *Priceless* Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!" Broken furniture - £85.26 Hot Breakfast - £4.20 Red Rose bud -£3.00 Two Aspirins -£0.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless
	Shan *Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life* The UK's No 1 For Genealogy & Family History. Top Tip: Use the forum search page to find surnames!!.

27-06-2006, 04:43 PM	#47 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: £20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...

29-06-2006, 12:05 PM	#48 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Green Side Up A painting contractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She sad she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP." They walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP." The woman was curious but didn't say anything. They walked into the third room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and went to the window and opened it, he yelled "GREEN SIDE UP." Finally the woman asked, "why do you keep yelling that out the window?" "I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...

30-06-2006, 04:20 PM	#49 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again." John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!" Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive. About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?" "No," replies John. So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road. A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?" "No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...

03-07-2006, 12:24 AM	#50 (permalink)
nanna Ancestry Aid Staff Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Liverpool, Merseyside.U.K Posts: 11,524 Total Awards: 3	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) *pmsl Mary, good one.*
	Nanna Ancestry Aid Moderator The UK's No 1 For Genealogy & Family History. Researching Crowe,Radcliffe,Sayle,Quarrie,Comaish,Lee (Isle-of-Man,Liverpool & Birkenhead) Swift (Liverpool & Lancashire) Peters (Anglesey,Liverpool & Widnes) McCabe,Williams (Liverpool) Thomas (Anglesey)