Thread: Post your jokes here (keep em clean)

Raven · 13-06-2006, 12:09 PM

Okay here's another one

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25
year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after
their

wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she
is

concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if
they
>
> > >spend the entire night together.
>
> > >
>
> > > After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for
>bed and
>
> > >the expected "knock" on the door.
>
> > > Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is
>Morris, her
>
> > >85-year-old groom ready for action.
>
> > >
>
> > > They unite as one.
>
> > >
>
> > > All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she
>prepares to
>
> go
>
> > >to sleep.
>
> > >
>
> > > After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
>bedroom
>
> door,
>
> > >and it's Morris.
>
> > >
>
> > > Again, he is ready for more "action".
>
> > >
>
> > > Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling.
>
> > >
>
> > > When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids
>her a
>
> fond
>
> > >goodnight and leaves.
>
> > >
>
> > > She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it,
>Morris is
>
> > >back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a
>25-year-old, ready
>
> > >for more "action".
>
> > >
>
> > > And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets
>set to
>
> leave
>
> > >again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed
>that at
>
> your
>
> > >age you can perform so well and so often.
>
> > >
>
> > > I have been with guys less than a third of your age that
>were only
>
> > >good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:

"You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its
advantages!

Anne

petal · 20-06-2006, 08:12 AM

Joe's will provided £30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair his widow, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would have been pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned
in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another £500. The rest went for the
memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "£22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

Helen responded, "Two and a half carats"

nanna · 20-06-2006, 09:00 AM

lol Mary, that's a gud'n .... a classic

Raven · 20-06-2006, 08:15 PM

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the
main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, 'Let me help you.' The Doc
piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his
right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him.
About this time, the son returned. 'Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place.'

The old man replied, 'I guess it's ok, but they won't let me f*rt.'

Anne

petal · 21-06-2006, 02:26 PM

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Albert:
Albert walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Albert said Shingles.
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. Albert said Shingles.
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and
told Albert to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Albert what he had.
Albert said Shingles.
So she gave Albert a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Albert to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Albert what he had. Albert said Shingles.
The doctor asked Where?
Albert said Outside on the truck. Where do you want 'em?

janet · 21-06-2006, 07:28 PM

What a shame!!
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was
'celebrate'."

mollie · 22-06-2006, 04:44 PM

PMSL....very good Janet

petal · 22-06-2006, 07:46 PM

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Shan · 22-06-2006, 08:26 PM

Very good lol

nanna · 23-06-2006, 06:29 AM

Good one Mary,lol

13-06-2006, 12:09 PM	#31 (permalink)
Raven Ancestry Aid Staff Join Date: May 2006 Location: Sunny Stonehaven Posts: 2,721 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Okay here's another one At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they > > > >spend the entire night together. > > > > > > > > After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for >bed and > > > >the expected "knock" on the door. > > > > Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is >Morris, her > > > >85-year-old groom ready for action. > > > > > > > > They unite as one. > > > > > > > > All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she >prepares to > > go > > > >to sleep. > > > > > > > > After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her >bedroom > > door, > > > >and it's Morris. > > > > > > > > Again, he is ready for more "action". > > > > > > > > Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. > > > > > > > > When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids >her a > > fond > > > >goodnight and leaves. > > > > > > > > She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, >Morris is > > > >back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a >25-year-old, ready > > > >for more "action". > > > > > > > > And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets >set to > > leave > > > >again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed >that at > > your > > > >age you can perform so well and so often. > > > > > > > > I have been with guys less than a third of your age that >were only > > > >good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages! Anne
	Raven.. researching: Matchett (Ayrshire, Dundee),McFarland (Co derry NI) Dick, Ewing, Nairn, Young (Ayrshire) Koehler (East Prussia), Russell( Peebleshire)

20-06-2006, 08:12 AM	#32 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Joe's will provided £30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair his widow, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would have been pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another £500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "£22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" Helen responded, "Two and a half carats"
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...

20-06-2006, 09:00 AM	#33 (permalink)
nanna Ancestry Aid Staff Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Liverpool, Merseyside.U.K Posts: 11,524 Total Awards: 3	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) lol Mary, that's a gud'n .... a classic
	Nanna Ancestry Aid Moderator The UK's No 1 For Genealogy & Family History. Researching Crowe,Radcliffe,Sayle,Quarrie,Comaish,Lee (Isle-of-Man,Liverpool & Birkenhead) Swift (Liverpool & Lancashire) Peters (Anglesey,Liverpool & Widnes) McCabe,Williams (Liverpool) Thomas (Anglesey)

20-06-2006, 08:15 PM	#34 (permalink)
Raven Ancestry Aid Staff Join Date: May 2006 Location: Sunny Stonehaven Posts: 2,721 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, 'Let me help you.' The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. 'Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place.' The old man replied, 'I guess it's ok, but they won't let me f*rt.' Anne
	Raven.. researching: Matchett (Ayrshire, Dundee),McFarland (Co derry NI) Dick, Ewing, Nairn, Young (Ayrshire) Koehler (East Prussia), Russell( Peebleshire)

21-06-2006, 02:26 PM	#35 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Albert: Albert walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Albert said Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. Albert said Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Albert to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Albert what he had. Albert said Shingles. So she gave Albert a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Albert to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Albert what he had. Albert said Shingles. The doctor asked Where? Albert said Outside on the truck. Where do you want 'em?
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...

21-06-2006, 07:28 PM	#36 (permalink)
janet Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Near Chester Posts: 3,892	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) What a shame!! A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He finds him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate'."
	Trust can take years to form........but moments to SHATTER

22-06-2006, 04:44 PM	#37 (permalink)
mollie Ancestry Aid Staff Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Isle of Man Posts: 1,686 Total Awards: 2	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) *PMSL....very good Janet*
	Mollie Ancestry Aid Moderator The UK's No 1 For Genealogy & Family History. Top Tip: Use the forum search page to find surnames!!. Dunne,McManus, McCann,O'Dowd, Higgins, Smith, Traynor, O'Byrne, Lamond/t Henry/Nicolson/Bowman/McCafferty/Keelan and more....did I say Smith...oh yes I did...we all have one.........lol

22-06-2006, 07:46 PM	#38 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye."
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...

22-06-2006, 08:26 PM	#39 (permalink)
Shan Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Hampshire Posts: 1,747 Total Awards: 1	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Very good lol
	Shan *Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life* The UK's No 1 For Genealogy & Family History. Top Tip: Use the forum search page to find surnames!!.

23-06-2006, 06:29 AM	#40 (permalink)
nanna Ancestry Aid Staff Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Liverpool, Merseyside.U.K Posts: 11,524 Total Awards: 3	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Good one Mary,lol
	Nanna Ancestry Aid Moderator The UK's No 1 For Genealogy & Family History. Researching Crowe,Radcliffe,Sayle,Quarrie,Comaish,Lee (Isle-of-Man,Liverpool & Birkenhead) Swift (Liverpool & Lancashire) Peters (Anglesey,Liverpool & Widnes) McCabe,Williams (Liverpool) Thomas (Anglesey)