Thread: Post your jokes here (keep em clean)

petal

This is for all the germ conscious folks out using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his Grandfather who lived in a very rural area.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His Grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal."
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to tiny specks that looked like dried egg. "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, don't fret, those plates are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don't want to hear another word about them."

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him get past. John yelled to his grandfather. " Grandfather your dog will not let me get into my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted..

" COLD WATER......GO LAY DOWN."

nanna

janet

Does this sound familiar!!
Subject: FW: The rules of the BBQ

After months of cold and rainy weather we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season.

Therefore it isimportant to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it’s the only type of cooking a ‘real’ man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makesdessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5)The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…..
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women....

Jan

petal

BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMEN

Behind every successful woman is herself!! (yeeeehaaaa)
Oh my god, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels
A woman is like a tea bag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career
So many men, so few who can afford me
Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich
Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen
I have PMS and a gun! Any questions!!!!
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time
Do not start with me. You will not win
All stressed out and no one to choke
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
And last but not least:
If you want breakfast in bed............sleep in the kitchen !

petal

More car stickers....................lol (I like the 5th one down)


MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT

CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS

EVER STOP TO THINK AND FORGET TO START AGAIN

OUT OF MY MIND, BACK IN 5 MINUTES

Its never too late to have a happy childhood..

WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL TO MEN LACK AMBITION

FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE,FEWER MEN ACT IT

FORGET THE JONESES,I KEEP US UP WITH THE SIMPSONS

I LOVE CATS, THEY TASTE LIKE CHICKEN

Save a cow Eat a vegetarian

BORN FREE....... TAXED TO DEATH

COVER ME.........IM CHANGING LANES

WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH...HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF SMART?

Be reasonable - Do it my way

I may be fat, but your ugly,and I can lose weight

Don't drive any faster than your gaurdian angel can fly.

Women have many faults but men have only two - everything they say, and everything they do!

petal

Raven

How about this one

A cabbie picks up a nun.



She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome



Cab driver



won't stop staring at her.



She asks him why he is staring.



He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you"



She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."



"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."



She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:



#1, you have to be single and



#2, you must be Catholic."



The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single And Catholic!



"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."



The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that



Would make a hooker blush.



When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.



"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"



"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess,



I'm married and I'm Jewish."



The nun says, "That's OK.



My name's Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."


Anne

Shan

Raven

How about this one?

Group therapy for men with erectile dysfunction - May offend

A new organisation has been set up in Britain to accomodate the needs of men with erectile dysfunction and for those with unusually small genitalia (walnut sized or smaller). The organisation will enable men with these conditions to 'come out' and celebrate their condition rather then hiding , being ashamed or embarrassed among their peers. The new organisation has a logo of 2 red bisecting lines which members are displaying in various ways. It forms a red cross on a white background and is commonly displayed in the form of a 'flag' flying from the windows of cars members. It is hoped that this open display will enable the whole population to recognise these men and congratulate them on their candour and bravery.

Anne

mollie