Thread: Post your jokes here (keep em clean)

Flood

OMG Bazzer, that was so funny!! It put me very much in mind of an uncle of mine, who would do that just to see if it works. Quite!

Sally

Bazzer

A letter to my Bank Manager......

Dear Sirs,

In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds", does that refer to me or to you?

Yours faithfully,

Baz

Kate

Baz I am still crying. And I am glad I had visited the loo before I read it.

Bazzer

CURREY_NZ

A "Thanksgiving Theme" this week. Glen

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters.
This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

************

Turkey Poem:
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn’t a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

**********

Founding Fathers
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: “Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?”

Father2: “Shall I open the window?”

Father1: “No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves.”

Father2: “Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?”

Father1: “What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?”

Father2: “Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about "Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"

**********

Happy Thanksgiving Poem:
T’was the night of thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white
but I fought the temptation with all of my might
tossing and turning with anticipation
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,
May your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

**********

First Ham
A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan.

Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know - it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her."

She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same."

They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

**********

petal

How many dogs to change a light bulb ?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Bazzer

I love this Doctor!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.< /SPAN>



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is : No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure , explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexi cans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffe r fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

CURREY_NZ

Human nature is wonderful and sometimes humorous..... enjoy Glen.

High Birth Rate

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff were busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

**********

Ernie's Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Cathy, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Ernie would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Barbara, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Cathy. "Thirty thousand!"

"No!" Barbara exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Cathy answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Barbara computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone! My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

**********

Shocking Revelations

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.

The bartender says, "Six shots! What's wrong?"

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

"What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

"Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does!"

**********

The Most Important Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colours, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

**********

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man and as they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

CURREY_NZ

This week the Lawyers get their turn. Enjoy, Glen

The Titanic Test

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

**********

The Lexus

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically saying that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

**********

Hell's in bad shape

There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day God notices that the devil's side is in pretty bad shape. It is falling down, badly in need of paint, weeds growing up around it, etc.

So, God hollers over the fence, “Hey Satan, why don't you fix up your side of the fence?”

Satan hollers back, “Why don't you mind your own business.”

So God says, “I'll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don't.”

The devil replies, "Yeah, right. Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

**********

Legal Fees (and don’t we all know about those)

A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks how much the barrister's rates are.

The lawyer says fifty dollars for three questions.

The man asks, "Isn't that awfully expensive"

"Yes," the lawyer replies, "what's your third question?"

*********

CURREY_NZ

Time for a theme on “Married Bliss”. Enjoy, Glen

A LIVING WILL
While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smartass.

**********

TIT FOR TAT
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college and I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

(Tit for tat – or is it?)

**********

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

**********

Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed etc.

**********

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"