Thread: Post your jokes here (keep em clean)

ken.lucas.

kiwi

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a present.

So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.

Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the sales girl how much the Barbie's are.

The girl responds:

Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95

Volleyball Barbie: £19.95

Shopping Barbie: £19.95

Surfer Barbie: £19.95

Disco Barbie: £19.95

and Divorced Barbie: £299.99

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbie's are £19.95?" Exasperated, the girl responds:

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...

CURREY_NZ

As I have been having hassles coming to grips with my new Imac, I thought a computer theme might be the order of the day.
Enjoy, Glen

Haiku Error Messages
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

***********************

Revenge of Haiku Error Messages
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
Open the file please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

****************

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it

***************************

Software Engineering
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

************

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly it’s true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!


Author Unknown

CURREY_NZ

A Hallowe'en Theme this week. Cheers, Glen

Hallowe’en One-liners

* Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

* What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

* Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

* How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

* What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

* Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

* Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

* What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

* What is a vampire's favourite sport?
Casketball...

* What is a vampire's favourite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

* What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

* What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

* What do you call a witch who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

CURREY_NZ

Well America has just had their election and tomorrow it is our turn here in New Zealand, so I guess it's time to take a poke at ourselves and our politicians. Cheers, Glen

NEW ZEALAND Health Care

Two patients limp into two different New Zealand medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then. Which, may or may not be rescheduled many times if he hasn’t been bumped off the list.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever;
The second is a Senior Citizen.

***********

Father/Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year at university.
Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a Labour supporter and very liberal. Among her other liberal ideals, she was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed of her father who was a staunch Nationalite, a feeling she openly expressed.

Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor (who sported a full beard), she felt that her father had for years, harboured an evil selfish desire to keep what he thought, should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes for the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking how she was doing at university.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had passes in 4 subjects, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many varsity friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Clarrisa doing?'

She replied, 'Clarrisa is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she has only 2 passes. But she is ever so popular on campus; varsity for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Chancellor's office and ask him to deduct 1 pass off you and give it to your friend who only has 2 passes. That way you will both have 3 passes and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of passes'.

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, and how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Clarrisa has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the National party.'

(If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between National and Labour then I'm all ears.)

*********

Prime Ministerial candidates Helen Clark, John Key, and Winston Peters were flying to a debate.

Helen looked at John, and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

John shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Winston added, " I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 4.3 million people very happy."

Who to vote for?
The Pilot !

Starlight

CURREY_NZ

With a cat and 3 dogs in the family it's an Animals Theme for this week.
I also notice it has a pub theme too ...... well, at times they can "drive us to drink".....
Enjoy, Glen

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.

**********

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman."
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, couches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman," as he smiles and accepts the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties."

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie."
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"
The customers wait with bated breath.
The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it."

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie."
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
As he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. He asks, "Who are you?"
"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house." is the reply.
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous."
The rabbit says, "Yes I know."
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead."
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it."
The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED," said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from?"

After a short pause the rabbit said...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Mixin'-me-toasties." (for the non-bunny lovers – myxamtosis)

**********

petal

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. " The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog and the stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." .

CURREY_NZ

A Health & Safety Theme this week.

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down, he began observing the tools and he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came back, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung it open and yelled to his nurse.......
“Damn it, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT!”

**********

(This really needs to be read aloud)
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT AN’ DO.

**********

History of Medicine

For people in a hurry, we have compiled this short history of medicine, using as an example the treatment of that common ailment, the ear ache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2006 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

**********

Darla's Doctor's Visit

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

**********

FACTS TO PONDER:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.)

*Now think about this:

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million.)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188

(Statistics courtesy of the FBI)

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Out of concern for the public at large, we have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

Bazzer

I received this from my Cousin in Florida, not sure if it should be in Jokes thread but here goes anyway - long but worth reading.....

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! It is the last paragraph that will do it!!!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!