Thread: Post your jokes here (keep em clean)

kiwi · 08-02-2007, 04:58 PM

Your New PC (Pussy Cat)

Specifications

Standard Input:

Bilateral frontal whisker array.
Bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range: 20-20,000Hz).
Stereoscopic scanning device with night vision.
Limited colour recognition.
Velcro (tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector.
Odor sampling devices (2).

Standard Output:

Internally mounted purrbox.
Single speaker with separate growl mode.
Rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device.

Processor: Parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory and Autonomic control of system software.

Included Hardware:

Calcium-based skeletal structure.
Byte-to-bit conversion array.
Retractable Document shredder/Hole-punch.
Pawpad printer.
Mouse (Standard Catnip).

Also included:

Natural-fiber protective covering in various colours and textures.

System software

Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:

DOS (DOmestic Shorthair)
OS (Other Shorthair)
PS (Pedigree Longhair)
DLH (DOmestic Longhair)
MS (MegaSoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)
RX (ReX, only installed on units with crimped-coat covering)

Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones. Any of the above system software will run in parallel with Eunuchs).

Bundled Software

May include the following:

Mortal Kombat
Acrobat
Explorer
Stuffit Expander
Real Audio

Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed. There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

Operating your PC: [Pussy Cat]

To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).

Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may invoke Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your PC from Sleep, you may press the power button as in Start, shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a warm boot: Remove your shoe, and then tap the PC gently with your toes.

To perform a cold boot: Same technique as for warm boot, but leave your shoe on.

To reboot: Repeat the warm boot.

Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC is fully dry when finished.

Compatibility and networking:

Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other PCs. Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a firewall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the other's security systems. Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes.

Please note that your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and FISH unless appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a subordinate position within the hierarchical structure.

Power requirements:

Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food.
Direct supply of water.
Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources.

Troubleshooting

PC HAS DIFFICULTY EXITING: Perform a warm boot.

PC SHARES FILES FROM DINNER/TABLE/PLATES WITHOUT PERMISSION: Boot your PC prior to running food-related software.

PC HANGS UP PHONE DURING CONNECTION TO ISP: Try invoking sleep mode prior to connecting to ISP. Otherwise, perform a warm boot.

PC IS FROZEN: PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Reboot until it responds.

Starlight · 08-02-2007, 06:09 PM

Hi Kiwi,

I have no problem with my desktop PC but the laptop is continually going into sleep mode. Thanks for the solution, I'll give them all a try.

P.S You missed one :- if all fails throw the PC out of the window.

petal · 17-04-2007, 04:08 PM

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge
fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to
death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he
disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked
by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a
spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says
to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the
corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South
American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs
the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and
throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with
mushy bees."

nanna · 18-04-2007, 07:24 AM

pmsl Mary, that was brilliant.

petal · 18-04-2007, 08:28 AM

There were two blonde fellas working for the city council, one would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
"I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,
"Well normally we are a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today.

__________________________________________________ ________

· I shall seek and find you...
I shall take you to bed and control you...
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan...
I will make you beg for mercy...
I will exhaust you to the point that you are grateful when I finally
Leave............though you will remain weak for days.
All my love........................................ The Flu

__________________________________________________ ________

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."

petal · 26-06-2007, 11:12 AM

Lousy weather so let's have a laugh..........

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The man was about to kill the Bee when all of a sudden the Bee spoke up and said
"If you don't kill me I can help you!"
The man said "OK" and the bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?
The bee answered, "BP."

La Manga · 26-06-2007, 02:59 PM

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?! " said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

petal · 06-07-2007, 06:09 PM

There was this old guy just retired and he was getting a bit bored with life ,so he went for a job at a boating lake, he was there for a week and enjoying himself..."come in number 5 your times up "he would should through his megaphone,"come in number 12 your times up"and so on.
one day the boss had to stay at the lake cos his car broke down, so he settled in the hut and was reading the paper when he heard the old guy "come in number 99 your times up" the boss went out and said to the old guy"we havent got a 99" the old guy put the megaphone to his lips and shouted "number 66 are you having a bit of trouble"

ken.lucas. · 06-07-2007, 07:57 PM

After a Beer Festival,brewery presidents decide to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor,I would like the World,s best beer,a Corona",so the bartender gives him one.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I,d like the King of Beers"a Budweiser"the bartender gives him one.
The guy from Carlberg says "I want probably the best beer in the world,give me a Carlberg".
The guy from Castlemaine says "Give me a Castlemaine ,I would,nt give a xxxx for anything else".
The guy from Coors says "I,d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water,give me a Coors"
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke".
The bartender is a little taken aback,but gives him what he ordered.
The other Brewery Presidents look at him and ask, "Why are you not drinking Guinness ?" The Guinness president replies "Well,I figured if you guys aren,t drinking beer,neither would I". .

petal · 13-07-2007, 12:47 PM

It's raining and I need a chuckle............

Never Lie to your Mother:

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, and, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.
Just before she left she hinted at this to Paul, and, reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul.
So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL. X

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM. X

08-02-2007, 04:58 PM	#101 (permalink)
kiwi Super Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Oxfordshire Posts: 1,096 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Your New PC (Pussy Cat) Specifications Standard Input: Bilateral frontal whisker array. Bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range: 20-20,000Hz). Stereoscopic scanning device with night vision. Limited colour recognition. Velcro (tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector. Odor sampling devices (2). Standard Output: Internally mounted purrbox. Single speaker with separate growl mode. Rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device. Processor: Parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory and Autonomic control of system software. Included Hardware: Calcium-based skeletal structure. Byte-to-bit conversion array. Retractable Document shredder/Hole-punch. Pawpad printer. Mouse (Standard Catnip). Also included: Natural-fiber protective covering in various colours and textures. System software Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following: DOS (DOmestic Shorthair) OS (Other Shorthair) PS (Pedigree Longhair) DLH (DOmestic Longhair) MS (MegaSoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering) RX (ReX, only installed on units with crimped-coat covering) Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones. Any of the above system software will run in parallel with Eunuchs). Bundled Software May include the following: Mortal Kombat Acrobat Explorer Stuffit Expander Real Audio Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed. There are no user-serviceable parts inside. Operating your PC: [Pussy Cat] To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener). Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may invoke Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your PC from Sleep, you may press the power button as in Start, shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs). To perform a warm boot: Remove your shoe, and then tap the PC gently with your toes. To perform a cold boot: Same technique as for warm boot, but leave your shoe on. To reboot: Repeat the warm boot. Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC is fully dry when finished. Compatibility and networking: Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other PCs. Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a firewall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the other's security systems. Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes. Please note that your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and FISH unless appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a subordinate position within the hierarchical structure. Power requirements: Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food. Direct supply of water. Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources. Troubleshooting PC HAS DIFFICULTY EXITING: Perform a warm boot. PC SHARES FILES FROM DINNER/TABLE/PLATES WITHOUT PERMISSION: Boot your PC prior to running food-related software. PC HANGS UP PHONE DURING CONNECTION TO ISP: Try invoking sleep mode prior to connecting to ISP. Otherwise, perform a warm boot. PC IS FROZEN: PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Reboot until it responds.
	Isn't genealogy fun ~ The answer to one problem leads to two more! Researching Staffordshire ~ MIDDLETON - HART - GREEN - TURNER - APPLEBY Worcestershire ~ BEDWARD - PEARCE - HYDE - BAYLIS - BARNES Somerset ~ BAKER - LEAKER Northumberland ~ BROWN - ROBSON Cardiff Wales ~ JENKINS - SMITH - DAVIES New Zealand Auckland ~ BROWN - HILL - MIDDLETON - EDWARDS

08-02-2007, 06:09 PM	#102 (permalink)
Starlight Ancestry Aid Manager Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: South Essex Posts: 16,355 Total Awards: 8	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Hi Kiwi, I have no problem with my desktop PC but the laptop is continually going into sleep mode. Thanks for the solution, I'll give them all a try. P.S You missed one :- if all fails throw the PC out of the window.
	Starlight Ancestry Aid Manager Hampshire:- Barks, Bartholomew, Carpenter, Cousens, Cousins, Dumper, Gallagher, Goodchild, Glasspool, Hoskins, Light, Mason, Monday, Mundy, Pearce, Pitt, Shepherd, Spreadbury, Staniford, Terrill, Thornton, Warne, Webb, Woodford & many more. Top Tip: Use the forum search engine

17-04-2007, 04:08 PM	#103 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...

18-04-2007, 07:24 AM	#104 (permalink)
nanna Ancestry Aid Staff Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Liverpool, Merseyside.U.K Posts: 11,524 Total Awards: 3	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) pmsl Mary, that was brilliant.
	Nanna Ancestry Aid Moderator The UK's No 1 For Genealogy & Family History. Researching Crowe,Radcliffe,Sayle,Quarrie,Comaish,Lee (Isle-of-Man,Liverpool & Birkenhead) Swift (Liverpool & Lancashire) Peters (Anglesey,Liverpool & Widnes) McCabe,Williams (Liverpool) Thomas (Anglesey)

18-04-2007, 08:28 AM	#105 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) There were two blonde fellas working for the city council, one would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well normally we are a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today. __________________________________________________ ________ · I shall seek and find you... I shall take you to bed and control you... I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan... I will make you beg for mercy... I will exhaust you to the point that you are grateful when I finally Leave............though you will remain weak for days. All my love........................................ The Flu __________________________________________________ ________ A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs." The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?" The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...

26-06-2007, 11:12 AM	#106 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Lousy weather so let's have a laugh.......... A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The man was about to kill the Bee when all of a sudden the Bee spoke up and said "If you don't kill me I can help you!" The man said "OK" and the bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered, "BP."
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...

26-06-2007, 02:59 PM	#107 (permalink)
La Manga Advanced Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: La Manga Posts: 576 Total Awards: 1	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) Three little ducks go into a Bar.............................. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?! " said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
	La Manga

06-07-2007, 06:09 PM	#108 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) There was this old guy just retired and he was getting a bit bored with life ,so he went for a job at a boating lake, he was there for a week and enjoying himself..."come in number 5 your times up "he would should through his megaphone,"come in number 12 your times up"and so on. one day the boss had to stay at the lake cos his car broke down, so he settled in the hut and was reading the paper when he heard the old guy "come in number 99 your times up" the boss went out and said to the old guy"we havent got a 99" the old guy put the megaphone to his lips and shouted "number 66 are you having a bit of trouble"
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...

06-07-2007, 07:57 PM	#109 (permalink)
ken.lucas. Super Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Gibraltar (The Rock) Posts: 1,400 Total Awards: 4	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) After a Beer Festival,brewery presidents decide to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor,I would like the World,s best beer,a Corona",so the bartender gives him one. The guy from Budweiser says, "I,d like the King of Beers"a Budweiser"the bartender gives him one. The guy from Carlberg says "I want probably the best beer in the world,give me a Carlberg". The guy from Castlemaine says "Give me a Castlemaine ,I would,nt give a xxxx for anything else". The guy from Coors says "I,d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water,give me a Coors" The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke". The bartender is a little taken aback,but gives him what he ordered. The other Brewery Presidents look at him and ask, "Why are you not drinking Guinness ?" The Guinness president replies "Well,I figured if you guys aren,t drinking beer,neither would I". .
	Researching

13-07-2007, 12:47 PM	#110 (permalink)
petal Super Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Horncastle, Lincolnshire Posts: 8,637 Total Awards: 5	Re: Post your jokes here (keep em clean) It's raining and I need a chuckle............ Never Lie to your Mother: A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, and, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye. Just before she left she hinted at this to Paul, and, reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates". About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PAUL. X Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read: DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM. X
	(AKA Mary) How beautiful it is to do nothing and rest afterwards...