Thread: Olympics 2012

petal

Ummm.......apoligies for anyone who maybe offended

As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic
Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many aspects of the
games have been especially altered to embrace the culture of the
area. A copy of these changes has been leaked and is reproduced
below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a
native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large,
overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS :
In previous Olympic games, East London 's competitors have
not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance,
some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of
local athletes.

100 Metres Sprint
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave
oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol,
a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yard behind the
athletes.

110 Metres Hurdles
As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges,
garden fences, walls
etc).
Hammer
Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the
most physical damage within three attempts.

Fencing
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as
possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event.
The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or
Securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has
been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning
automatic pistol or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.

Boxing
Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and
wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will
be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make
him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials
Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike
shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy
on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling pursuit
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of
the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing,
joyriding and arson.

Swimming Events
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity
levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming
events will be organised. Please note that the Synchronised
Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and
watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical
support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

The Marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided.

Men's 50Km Walk
Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the
police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
Stratford , especially anyone who appears to be mincing ...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY :
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members
of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners,
synchronised rock throwing and music by The Walthamstow Community
Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon
following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham
supporters.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local
athletes break in and remove all the copper
piping and the central heating boiler.

LATE NEWS ...
Apparently, Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar
to the above but with the Pentathlon modified to include killing a
spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the
strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.
To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area,
all drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.

Bazzer

petal

Bazzer

Both areas are well known for their great sense of humour Mary so i am sure they will enjoy it as much as I did.

Flood